**I have edited this article after realizing my own personal boundaries have been more to protect me from certain dysfunctional dynamics in my extended family circle- not for my own parents or grandparents, all of whom I am very close with. I hope these words help you feel empowered to put up boundaries with those who do not have your best interest at heart- but to be gracious with those who truly love you.
We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.
Some of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes and even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.
I often hear from women about issues within their own families they didn’t even recognize until well into their adult years:
narcissism
need to dominate
always playing the victim
manipulation, just to name a few
At some point, we all have to come to the realization that our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are flawed humans just like everyone else. They have hurts from their own upbringing and reasons they behave the way they do, just like us.
I’m not giving anyone a pass for egregious behavior. But the fact of the matter is that we don’t have much power to truly change anyone.
This is why boundaries are not about shaming and blaming- they are about you taking responsibility for yourself.
Boundaries are about setting the climate in your life so you have the freedom to live out the priorities God shows you.
They are essentially your way of saying to other people:
“I realize what your preference for our relationship would be. But it’s not the same as mine. Here is what I am willing to give, receive and tolerate in our relationship. Wherever that overlaps with your preferences for our relationship, great! We can meet there!”
Having healthy relationships with other people has a lot to do with knowing your boundaries and respecting theirs.
Here are three areas I believe it’s very important to know and stick to your boundaries:
Phone/Text Boundaries
It can be a hard thing that we are all available now 24/7 now via our cellphones. Not that we have to answer every phone call or reply to every text message, but often just seeing a certain name come up on our screen is enough to cause significant stress.
Here is what I suggest:
Lower the bar. Don’t rush to get back to people. Text messages don’t need to be responded to right away, nor do phone-calls. I often answer all of my text messages from the day in one shot in the evening or even the next morning. Sometimes I just forget and that’s okay too. Everyone lives and everyone will be fine. Do yourself a favor and lower the bar.
If you don’t wish to engage with someone via text, you don’t have to. Give extremely short, finalizing answers back on your own timetable.
If someone calls you often to unload all of their problems, and it’s beginning to feel like an infringement, have the hard conversation to tell them you don’t have the time any longer. Hard conversations are more than worth the relief they bring of no longer having to deal with obnoxious behavior. Remember not to blame, be polite and make it about you and your preferences. Again, a hard conversation is worth it and also can save you from “snapping” at the person later down the line.
Get-together Boundaries
Most of us have the pressure of expectations when it comes to holidays and get-togethers. Now that you are an adult with your own family, you DO have a say in this too! I know this might come as a shocker, but you don’t have to do Christmas the way that your family has always done it.
I see so many couples rushing around on holidays, trying to keep both sides of the family happy and it can get so ridiculous, to the point where they don’t even get to enjoy the holiday or spend time with their own family. YOU ARE YOUR OWN FAMILY NOW. You and your husband get to decide what YOUR FAMILY would like to do for Christmas now.
If you feel overwhelmed by or pressured into too many get-togethers, this article could be extremely helpful: Permission to Say No to Everything.
Open Door or Not Boundaries
Some people are fine with having anyone stop by at any time. I’m not one of them. I don’t mind if my parents, grandparents, or siblings stop by unannounced, but I once had to have a hard conversation with someone that went like this:
“Hey, could you please call or text before you plan on coming by just to make sure it’s a good time? I’m in a very busy season of life right now and it’s just not always a good time for a visitor.”
This person had been stopping by unannounced about once a month, but it just did not feel right. It didn’t feel like love, it felt like snooping and control.
So I had to have a hard conversation, again, not putting blame on them, but just letting them know what works for me.
It was received well and the conversation served its purpose in drawing up a new boundary that works for me. And it is a relief to not worry about that person not popping by anymore!
Remember, it is about being vocal about your preferences in a way that lets people know what works for you. In most cases, people will be respectful of what you have asked.
I’ve noticed that many women who struggle with boundaries are those of us who grew up in broken families of origin.
If this is you, I would highly recommend my new 7-day e-course below!
Also, if you need more in-depth teaching on this topic, I highly recommend Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life.
I hope you feel better equipped to set up some God-honoring boundaries in your life!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
